There are at least 3 things on this Earth I’ve determined I’m good at. Fatherhood, converting green tea into pee, & compiling an encyclopedic amount of sports information into my brain. That’s enough about me, let’s get to the business. Every team will get a quick run down of how things are going so far. A peak, a valley, & they will all be ranked from worst vibes to best vibes. This is not a traditional power ranking.
32. Tennessee Titans
Record: 0-4
Week 1: L 20-12 @ Broncos
Week 2: L 33-19 Vs. Rams
Week 3: L 41-20 Vs. Colts
Week 4: L 26-0 @ Texans
Peak: Cam Ward’s touchdown to Elic Ayomanor in the 1st half against the Rams was incredible stuff.
Valley: Everything else. Goodness gracious this team deserves to be trebucheted to England. Brian Callahan is 3-18 over his first 2 seasons, and with actual tears in his eyes is actively trying to fist fight every Tennessee journalist who questions his horrendous methods. Year 2 of the rebuild is looking like the whole operation is a sunk cost.
Vibe Summary: “He called the shit poop”
31. New York J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS
Record: 0-4
Week 1: L 34-32 Vs. Steelers
Week 2: L 30-10 Vs. Jets
Week 3: L 29-27 @ Buccaneers
Week 4: L 27-21 @ Dolphins
Peak: Justin Fields made the NFL’s highest paid defense look like 11 Helen Keller variants, & would’ve gotten a week 1 win had Jalen Ramsey & Chris Boswell not existed.
Valley: Aaron Glenn celebrating what he thought was a comeback win with his chest out, but this is the Jets, and they did not win that game. Or that beautiful 1st drive against the Dolphins ending in no points & a fumble. Just another Tuesday. They are still awful.
Vibe Summary: “The god damn Jets”
30. Cleveland Browns
Record: 1-3
Week 1: L 17-16 Vs. Bengals
Week 2: L 41-17 @ Ravens
Week 3: W 13-10 Vs Packers
Week 4: L 34-10 @ Lions
Peak: Alleged abuser Quinshon Judkins & kicker Andre Szymt (pronounced Schmidt, apparently) carrying Grandpa Joe to a win over the previously Super Bowl bound Packers
Valley: Deshaun Watson is still employed, Joe Flacco is old, Shedeur Sanders had a World Series Mariano Rivera type walkout for a preseason game, Deshaun Watson is still employed, there are no good receiving options, the offensive line is old & overpaid, and Deshaun Watson is still employed.
Vibe Summary: “Betting big on a deviant sex criminal to get a light sentence is like betting on Hitler to win WW2, because yeah you could win, but now you’re the rapist franchise.”
29. New Orleans Saints
Record 0-4
Week 1: L Vs. Cardinals 20-13
Week 2: L Vs. 49ers 26-21
Week 3: L @ Seahawks 44-13
Week 4: L Vs. Bills 31-19
Peak: Not being nearly as bad as everyone penned them to be, & Chris Olave hasn’t suffered his 8th violent concussion up to this point.
Valley: Kicking a 23 yard field goal, as time expired in the first half, against the Seahawks, to slice the deficit to 32. Arguably the saddest field goal of our generation. And Spencer Rattler is 0-10 as a starter, becoming only the 5th quarterback to be winless through his 10 starts.
Vibe Summary: “I didn’t hear no bell”
28. Carolina Panthers
Record: 1-3
Week 1: L 26-10 @ Jaguars
Week 2: L 27-22 @ Cardinals
Week 3: W 30-0 Vs. Falcons
Week 4. L 42-13 @ Patriots
Peak: The most befuddling shutout I’ve ever witnessed. They made Michael Penix look like he should’ve stayed in college for a 7th year. Andy Dalton is still there, aging gracefully as ever. Handsome dude.
Valley: Bryce Young plays 80% of his snaps like Kyler Murray without any athleticism, & the defense is comprised of 11 make a wish individuals when not in the friendly confines of Charlotte against a divisional opponent. David Tepper is the worst owner in the NFL by a decent margin. That’s hard to do.
Vibe Summary: “Tepper was prepared to take C.J Stroud No. 1, but during their pre-draft dinner, Owner David Tepper was infatuated with Bryce Young ordering the scallops. It’s been all about Bryce since that dinner.”
27. Las Vegas Raiders
Record: 1-3
Week 1: W 20-13 @ Patriots
Week 2: L 20-9 Vs. Raiders
Week 3: L 41-24 @ Commanders
Week 4: L 25-24 Vs. Bears
Peak: Geno Smith passing for almost 400 yards in their Week 1 win; & Ashton Jeanty unlocking his Boise State form against the vaunted Bears Front 7.
Valley: Both of those peaks have only happened in 1 game. Otherwise, it’s been nothing but interceptions & -2 yard rushes. By the end of the Bears game, Pete Carroll was no longer feverishly chomping on his gum, it was more of a sad nibbling. Geno Smith is on the verge of leaving Vegas having ran no tables.
Vibe Summary: “It literally is about 3 inches, so I don’t think it’s that big a deal.”
26. Houston Texans
Record: 1-3
Week 1: L 14-9 @ Rams
Week 2: L 20-19 Vs. Texans
Week 3: L 17-10 @ Jaguars
Week 4: W 26-0 Vs. Titans
Peak: “Big Bro” Stroud finally looked like a quarterback in position to big bro another quarterback against Brian Callahan’s Fightin’ Titans. They’d genuinely be lower on this list had I not witnessed Pete Carroll sadly chewing gum. These ratings are fickle I must admit.
Valley: “Big Bro” Stroud looks like a typical Ohio State QB, they have no running game, a terrible offensive line, & their offensive coordinator’s play sheet could fit on one side of a post-it note. He absolutely big bro’d Caleb Williams. He is nowhere near the quality of quarterback to do such things.
Vibe Summary: CJ Stroud deserves all the disrespect Derek Carr used to get.
25. Baltimore Ravens
Record: 1-3
Week 1: L 41-40 @ Bills
Week 2: W 41-17 Vs. Browns
Week 3: L 38-30 Vs. Lions
Week 4: L 37-20 @ Chiefs
Peak: They got to play the Browns, but even that game was closer than the score would suggest.
Valley: Ooooh-hoo-hoo, everything else. Lamar is out for a few weeks with a bum hamstring, which for a mobile quarterback is the first signs of an Ole Yeller situation. John Harbaugh lost the locker room, Derrick Henry fumbled once again while I was typing this, Marlon Humphrey is taking notes for his podcast in green crayon, Deandre Hopkins is old, and the defensive coordinator is receiving death threats in the middle of September. It’s a good time to be a Steelers fan. Surely this victory lap won’t come back to bite me in the ass in 2-3 weeks.
Vibe Summary: “We got no food, we got no jobs, our pets’ heads are falling off!”
24. Miami Dolphins
Record: 1-3
Week 1: L 33-8 @ Colts
Week 2: L 33-27 Vs. Patriots
Week 3: L 31-21 @ Bills
Week 4: W 27-21 Vs. Jets
Peak: Jon Gruden’s favorite player Darren Waller, who was shin deep into a rap career at this time last year, catching 2 touchdowns on primetime television in some beautiful uniforms I might add.
Valley: Tyreek Hill’s knee is toast, Mike McDaniel’s tenure in Miami is toast, Tua’s brain is toast, Minkah Fitzpatrick & his cool shoes are toast, they’re an injury to Waller or Achane away from being a bottom 3 vibes team, & collectively toast.
Vibe Summary: “Would you like to join me in my quarters, for some toast?”
23. Arizona Cardinals
Record 2-2
Week 1: W 20-13 @ Saints
Week 2: W 27-22 Vs. Panthers
Week 3: L 16-15 @ 49ers
Week 4: L 23-20 Vs. Seahawks
Peak: Marvin Harrison scoring a touchdown against the Seahawks, & the subsequent tricks that his staunchest defenders were doing on it afterwards. I guess starting 2-0 is cool too.
Valley: Scroll up a bit & read that quote one more time, the quarterback of the team, believes it’s not his job to get the ball to his star receiver. Am I taking crazy pills? Have they ever had a conversation about that quote? Are they friends? What the actual hell is that quote? The vibes of this team are bottom tier, but they’re 2-2, so they can’t be too low. I’m keeping my hater lens on them though.
Vibe Summary: “Welcome back, who drove over here? Quick, let me see your hands. Who took the bus? Did you have fire in your gut? Did you?!”
22. New York Giants
Record: 1-3
Week 1: L 21-6 @ Commanders
Week 2: L 40-37 @ Cowboys
Week 3: L 22-9 Vs. Chiefs
Week 4: W 21-18 Vs. Chargers
Peak: Brian Daboll went from YouTube videos on how to tie a noose to making out with his quarterback on national television in the span of 7 days. Vibes could not be higher. Cam Skattebo is awesome.
Valley: Let me paint the scene. 1st & Goal from the 5, Giants trailing the Chiefs. Russell Wilson throws it away, intentional grounding. No problem. 2nd & Goal from the 11, QB draw for 2(two) yards, sets up 3rd & Goal. Russell Wilson throws it away. The refs don’t penalize him, but they should have. 4th & Goal. Russ throws it away. The Giants lose. Russell Wilson is benched. Great human. Dogshit quarterback at this point. Rest in Peace Russy.
Vibe Summary: “Have you ever done anything dangerous?”
21. Cincinnati Bengals
Record 2-2
Week 1: W 17-16 @ Browns
Week 2: W 31-27 Vs. Jaguars
Week 3: L 48-10 @ Vikings
Week 4: L 28-3 @ Broncos
Peak: That Jaguars win was cool, I don’t really know. Honestly I forgot the Bengals existed when compiling this list, & I got nothing. They suck but Tee Higgins is a dog.
Valley: Joe Burrow turf toe & the whole team just self destructs. There’s a lot of talent here for a turn around, but I hope they don’t. They need to trade for Jameis Winston. Any fun quarterback could make this team special. The pieces are there, but Jake Browning is not fun. Zac Taylor’s brain is instant mashed potatoes.
Vibe Summary: “I got 20 eyes closed strikeouts, 5 broken windshields & 6 dead birds i’m frickin awesome”
20. Atlanta Falcons
Record: 2-2
Week 1: L 23-20 Vs. Buccaneers
Week 2: W 22-6 @ Vikings
Week 3: L 30-0 @ Panthers
Week 4: W 34-27 Vs. Commanders
Peak: Molliwopping the Vikings on SNF for no reason was pretty fun, even though the game was boring. And Kyle Pitts has finally been looking like a top 5 pick.
Valley: That shutout to the Panthers might be the worst football we’ve seen played since the COVID year. Bad enough that 3 position coaches got fired, & the classic “OC from the booth to the field” got pulled, which reminds me of my old supervisor when she got put on a P.I.P. (Bless your heart Angelia) And where is Kirk Cousins? Why hasn’t he been traded somewhere to start? I miss you, Kirko Chainz.
Vibe Summary: “They played that song, you know the one with the swag, and then the surf, I really liked that.”
19. Chicago Bears
Record: 2-2
Week 1: L 27-24 Vs. Vikings
Week 2: L 52-21 @ Lions
Week 3: W 31-14 Vs. Cowboys
Week 4: W 25-24 @ Raiders
Peak: That flea flicker to Burden was a generational fuck you from Ben Johnson to Matt Eberflus. And rightfully so. They have some mojo, but that Raiders game was ugly.
Valley: I could write a 5 paragraph essay about why Ryan Poles is not a good GM & certified aura merchant, but if you’ve made it this far, I’ll spare you this one time. He’s a horrible draft evaluator, apart from no brainers like Caleb & Odunze. That Vikings collapse was brutal as well.
Vibe Summary: “The H.I.T.S Principle. Hustle, Integrity, The Ball, Smart”
18. Dallas Cowboys
Disclaimer: Yes I know the Bears whooped the Cowboys, and the Cowboys employ vibe assassin Matt Eberflus. I don’t care. Did you watch that electric tie? Do you understand how much of a vibe boost George Pickens is? I miss him being on my team everyday, genuinely my favorite receiver in football right now.
Record: 1-2-1
Week 1: L 24-20 @ Eagles
Week 2: W 40-37 Vs. Giants
Week 3: L 31-14 @ Bears
Week 4: Tie 40-40 Vs. Packers
Peak: Dak Prescott is a genuine top 10 quarterback. The disrespect is insane. “Yeah, here we go” is annoying as hell. But he’s incredible. George Pickens, is insane in every aspect. Their cornerbacks are all interception or bust, & it is peak Big 12 football. I enjoy this team a lot. I don’t think they’re necessarily good? But damn, fun team.
Valley: Jerry Jones is that grandma from the “Chocolate With Nuts” Spongebob episode. Senile, incompetent, “sweet, sweet Micah Parsons, I always HATED him” fuck it send him to our fiercest out of division rivals for a washed up DT & 2 mid 1st round picks. Matt Eberflus is there too. His hot boy transformation on Hard Knocks last year didn’t fool me. His brain is a pile of stinky poop from that dog everyone knew should’ve been put down 2 years ago but he’s still hanging around. Jerry’s boys would be top 12 regardless of record if Eberflus was not here.
Vibe Summary: The Matrix Reloaded highway scene
17. New England Patriots
Record: 2-2
Week 1: L 20-13 Vs. Raiders
Week 2: W 33-27 @ Dolphins
Week 3: L 21-14 Vs. Steelers
Week 4: W 42-13 Vs. Panthers
Peak: Offset’s #1 opp Stefon Diggs looks healthy after last year’s injury, Drake Maye is playing fantastic, & Marcus Jones is the best punt returner in football. Bob Spillane is on this team too. Always peak.
Valley: Can they beat a good team? Mike Vrabel once said he would cut his genitalia off for a Super Bowl ring, but he’s been married 20 years. Is he using it? He already won 3 as a player. Weird commitment to make. Would Stefon do the same? The new young Bostonian pretty boy Drake Maye? I don’t see it. This team is mid personified, & doesn’t move me either direction. Kinda fun, kinda nothing. Oh yeah they fumbled 5 times in one game & still almost beat my Steelers. Weiner slicing prophecies are no match for Mike Tomlin voodoo.
Vibe Summary: “I’m never the bigger person”
16. Washington Commanders
Record: 2-2
Week 1: W 21-6 Vs. Giants
Week 2: L 27-18 @ Packers
Week 3: W 41-24 Vs. Raiders
Week 4: L 34-27 @ Falcons
Peak: Shit, maybe inking Terry to an extension? This is a weird team. The unction of the NFL, if you will. They’re good, not great. Perfectly fitting for the middle spot on this list. Grab yourself a drink & some fruit if you’ve made it this far. Maybe leave a comment of what your favorite fruit is? This is a massive post. Jeez Louise. Anyway.
Valley: Anytime this defense has to go against a majority youthful offense, it looks like a Bengay commercial. Bobby Wagner, Von Miller, Marshon Lattimore, in the big 2025? Christ almighty. It’s rough. But when Jayden’s back it should be a vibe boost.
Vibe Summary: “Youuuu light my fiiiire”
15. Denver Broncos
Record: 2-2
Week 1: W 20-12 Vs. Titans
Week 2: L 29-28 @ Colts
Week 3: L 23-20 @ Chargers
Week 4: W 28-3 Vs. Bengals
Peak: Bo Nix is struggling & they’re still 2 miraculously unlikely plays away from being 4-0. Kevin James is coaching the hell out of this team.
Valley: Bo Nix is my fantasy quarterback in most leagues & he’s not delivering, I guess that’s as bad as it is for the Boroncos. Do better, Bo. I’m starting not to Bolieve in you ya old bastard.
Vibe Summary: “Peanut Blart & Jelly, what, what, what’s up man? So good to hear your voice.”
14. Minnesota Vikings
Record: 2-2
Week 1: W 27-24 @ Bears
Week 2: L 22-6 Vs. Falcons
Week 3: W 48-10 Vs. Bengals
Week 4: L 24-21 @ Steelers
Peak: Brian Flores is an absolute sicko, & the best defensive coordinator in my book. Cover 0, rush 9 dudes, don’t bother covering any pass catchers. Break the QB’s ribs. Blindside a confused WR. Run the same look next play & drop 6 would be blitzers into zone. Interception. You never know what’s next with him. Psychopath of a coordinator. Kevin O’Connell is the Mother Theresa of quarterback rehab. Justin Jefferson is awesome. I enjoy this team.
Valley: Carson Wentz you sick demented fuck. Trophy hunting, empty eyed, no good bum. He literally got sacked a dozen times against the Steelers, no one ever rushed to help him up. He hurt his hand at some point, god forbid he can’t shoot his stupid ass guns at wildlife for a couple weeks. Endangered species everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief, if only for a moment. He’ll be back, stupid dick. I hate Carson Wentz. With JJ McCarthy this is a top 10 vibes team.
Vibe Summary: “This next one goes out to the guy who keeps yelling from the balcony. It’s called, We Hate You, Please Die”
13. Philadelphia Eagles
Disclaimer: Yes I know they’re undefeated this calendar year, I don’t care. The vibes are horrendous. Yes they win lots of games, but they are a miserable watch.
Record: 4-0
Week 1: W 24-20 Vs. Cowboys
Week 2: W 20-17 @ Chiefs
Week 3: W 33-26 Vs. Rams
Week 4: W 31-25 @ Buccaneers
Peak: They win every game no matter what. Saquon is fun. Shoutout Cooper DeJean for reinforcing that white men can jump.
Valley: It’s just a bummer to watch this team play football. Good football team, great even. But man, bummer bummer bummer. The vibes were higher last year when people were calling for Sirianni’s job, which caused him to go bald & crash out on reporters. They need to lose a few so us as fans can get that guy back.
Vibe Sunmary: “Whenever I say coffee bean, you’ve got the carrot and the egg. You put an egg in boiling water, it hardens up. It doesn’t affect anything. The carrot softens up. The coffee bean spreads and gets stronger and impacts the people around you. I’m trying to be that coffee bean.” – Jalen Hurts
12. Los Angeles Rams
Record: 3-2
Week 1: W 14-9 Vs. Texans
Week 2: W 33-19 @ Titans
Week 3: L 33-26 @ Eagles
Week 4: W 27-20 Vs. Colts
Week 5: L 26-23 Vs. 49ers
Peak: Matthew Stafford is not dead, it turns out. Puka Nacua has been crowned as the best receiver in football. Davante Adams isn’t washed, & Sean Mcvay is still coaching his ass off every week.
Valley: If Stafford just showed his face one time over the summer, I’d believe he’s alive & well. But they had him hidden from press conferences all offseason in a Austin Powers cryogenic freezer tube getting shot up with epidurals, not just one epidural, multiple. That’s not a human injury, it’s plausible he’s been cloned. I won’t be convinced otherwise. Maybe Sean Mcvay was feeling some heat & couldn’t stand to be threatened, we’ll never know.
Vibe Summary: “But Dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.” “I had the group liquidated, you little shit. They were insolent!”
11. Jacksonville Jaguars
Record: 3-1
Week 1: W 26-10 Vs. Panthers
Week 2: L 31-27 @ Bengals
Week 3: W 17-10 Vs. Texans
Week 4: W 26-21 @ 49ers
Peak: Travis Etienne has bounced back tremendously, the defense is flying around the field, Liam Coen went from Matt Eberflus vibes to coach of the year hotshot boy genius vibes in 4 whole games. Trevor Lawrence is still there. I guess that’s cool.
Valley: Losing to Jake Browning in hindsight is inexcusable. Brian Thomas Jr. is treating every possible instance of contact like James Harrison & Ryan Clark are about to blindside him into 2026. Travis Hunter hasn’t done a damn thing. (Bitter fantasy owner) Shad Khan is still the epitome of a Saturday morning cartoon villain.
Vibe Summary: “I wish I could go to the Broncos just to stay in Colorado.”
10. Seattle Seahawks
Record: 3-1
Week 1: L 17-13 Vs. 49ers
Week 2: W 31-17 @ Steelers
Week 3: W 44-13 Vs. Saints
Week 4: W 23-20 @ Cardinals
Peak: Sam Darnold baby. Back in ‘22 I was telling anyone who would listen that this guy wasn’t done. And they all laughed at me. Who’s laughing now biotch? Oftentimes it isn’t me, I’m quite stoic, a shell of who I once was. Age is a devious shapeshifting beast. But Sam Darnold babaaayyy. Seahawks been killin it!
Valley: There hasn’t been much to complain about in Seattle. Everything’s been pretty good, not incredible, but not anything to complain about at the quarter point. Mike Macdonald has got his group locked in.
Vibe Summary: “No wise man has the power to reason away. What seems to be is always better than nothing. Than nothing at all.”
9. Green Bay Packers
Record: 2-1-1
Week 1: W 27-13 Vs. Lions
Week 2: W 27-18 Vs. Commanders
Week 3: L 13-10 @ Browns
Week 4: Tie 40-40 @ Cowboys
Peak: Everyone with eyes crowned them the Super Bowl champions after 2 weeks. Jordan Love is 27, famously the age that Brett Favre, Bart Starr, & apparently Aaron Rodgers? He didn’t win a Super Bowl against the Steelers, purely speculation. The hype has gone down a bit, but they’re still electric. Chalk it up to Joe Flacco’s last stand & Matrix Reloaded highway scene nonsense in Jerry World.
Valley: Is that defense okay? Is Micah going to need an epidural before every game? Matt LaFluer allegedly goes to the barber shop once a week to get sized up, is his mind more locked in on this Super Bowl push or his hairdo? Something to consider.
Vibe Summary: “This loss hurt us, in every way. More than any loss we’ve ever had.” -Jerry Jones after 2024 Wild Card loss to Packers
“The green & gold is a little problem for me.” -Jerry Jones after trading his best defensive player to said Packers in 2025 (one year later)
8. Los Angeles Chargers
Record: 3-1
Week 1: W 27-21 Vs. Chiefs
Week 2: W 20-9 @ Raiders
Week 3: W 23-20 Vs. Broncos
Week 4: L 21-18 @ Giants
Peak: Genuinely a top 5 vibes team for the first 3 weeks. Justin Herbert got a girlfriend & finally became more than Mr. Hypothetical. Jim Harbaugh is the king of good vibes. Keenan Allen is back catching every slant. Derwin James is getting DPOY chatter. A 3-0 record in the division to start the year is nothing to scoff at.
Valley: Najee Harris? Gone. Joe Alt? Gone. Rashawn Slater? Gone. Khalil Mack? Gone. Denzel Perryman? Gone. That’s 5 cornerstones (put respect on Najee Harris’ name, fool) all out for a significant chunk of time. That’s a lot to overcome if they want to stay ahead of the Chiefs & Broncos.
Vibe Summary: “I’d lay down my life for my brother but I would not let him win a football game.”
7. Kansas City Chiefs
Record: 2-2
Week 1: L 27-21 @ Chargers
Week 2: L 20-17 Vs. Eagles
Week 3: W 22-9 @ Giants
Week 4: W 37-20 Vs. Ravens
Peak: With Juju-Smith Scheuster & Hollywood Brown as WR1 & WR2, Kareem Hunt getting significant burn at RB1, Travis Kelce’s corpse at TE1, & an offensive line addicted to false starts, the Chiefs are 2-2. Now Worthy is back, Rashee Rice will be back in a couple weeks, & the Chiefs are right where everyone expected them to be, in the thick of the AFC playoff race. Just look at that guy behind Andy Reid as he opens his Christmas present (which was 1 single cheeseburger) look at that utter jubilation, this team will always have a fun vibe, no matter what Travis Kelce does to sabotage that camaraderie.
Valley: Travis Kelce is a bummer & a half, watching the Chiefs run for 2 yards per carry every week is a bummer & a half, Rashee Rice coming back is cool & all, but the “Free Rashee” shirts were an absolutely mind melting ordeal. Dude could’ve killed someone. And every time I see Mahomes on TV there’s a little piece of my brain that reflects back to when his wife said his favorite cheat meal was “friiiiied chicken”. You gotta look up that video to get the full scope of what I’m talking about with that.
Vibe Summary: “What’s my favorite cheat day meal?”
6. Indianapolis Colts
Record: 3-1
Week 1: W 33-8 Vs. Dolphins
Week 2: W 29-28 Vs. Broncos
Week 3: W 41-20 @ Titans
Week 4: L 27-20 @ Rams
Peak: Indiana Jones is absolutely killing it. Jonathan Taylor is moving like it’s 2022 all over again. They have a stout offensive line, smart coaching staff, a rookie stud at TE, a ball hawking secondary, and most importantly, a quarterback who doesn’t tap himself out of games he’s underperforming in because he’s tired. I sat through way too many Carson Wentz & Matt Ryan Colts games to not appreciate where they’re at right now. I put a Benjamin Franklin on the Colts to beat the Chargers when Nick Foles started a Monday Night game for them. They lost horrifically. They deserve all the hype in 2025.
Valley: Daniel Jones & Shane Stiechen have the potential of dumb facing like Eli Manning & Tom Coughlin when things are going wrong. Adonai Mitchell may have been paid off by twirly mustache Shad Khan to sabotage Colts’ games. The Peyton Manning curse is always lurking around the corner. Quentin Nelson might be a headbutt away from CTE. Good news is, all the lows are hypothetical. Buy into this team.
Vibe Summary: “I don’t know how to make sausage. I don’t know what goes into sausage. But I do know how to build a football team.”
5. San Francisco 49ers
Record: 4-1
Week 1: W 17-13 @ Seahawks
Week 2: W 26-21 @ Saints
Week 3: W 16-15 Vs. Cardinals
Week 4: L 26-21 Vs. Jaguars
Week 5: W 26-23 @ Rams
Peak: Bob Saleh is back getting the defense fired up & ready to fistfight every week. Kyle Shanahan is my pick for Coach of the September. Mac Jones is back & better than ever. No injuries seem to matter when it comes to this team winning games. Very fun to watch.
Valley: All the injuries will theoretically matter at some point, right? Brandon Aiyuk, George Kittle, Ricky Cent, Brock Purdy. As scary as their laundry list injury report is, look no further than last year for the Niners. It can always get worse.
Vibe Summary: “It’s gotten to the point that I kiss all my guys on the lips before they go out on the field just in case it’s the last time I ever see them. And usually it is.”
4. Buffalo Bills
Record: 4-0
Week 1: W 41-40 Vs. Ravens
Week 2: W 30-10 @ Jets
Week 3: W 31-21 Vs. Dolphins
Week 4: W 31-19 Vs. Saints
Peak: Everything, apart from the first 55 or so minutes of the Ravens game, has been fortuitous for this team. Josh Allen is still Josh Allen, & now married. Jared Cook scores 2 touchdowns a game, their pass catcher by committee approach covers every area of the field beautifully, and the defense does just enough to not be criticized. Everything seems to be in top-top shape here.
Valley: They’re strictly at 4 because the top 3 teams have a different vibe & camaraderie tier that even Al-Qaeda Superfan Sean McDermott can’t get this club too reach. And the fact they’ve let the Dolphins & Saints keep it pretty close for the majority of the game, little sus.
Vibe Summary: “Driving naked>>>>”
3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Record: 3-1
Week 1: W 23-20 @ Falcons
Week 2: W 20-19 @ Texans
Week 3: W 29-27 Vs. Jets
Week 4: L 31-25 Vs. Eagles
Peak: In week 1, 2 minutes left, Down 4, need a score? Baker’s got it, have a win. In week 2, down 5, 2 minutes left, need a score? Baker’s got it, have another win. In week 3, down 1, need a score? Baker’s got it, have another one. Anytime you’re down one score, late in the game, there is no better leader to get the game winning score than Baker Mayfield. Todd Bowles is finally showing his personality this year. Bucky Irving is awesome. Chris Godwin is back. They hit big on Emeka Egbuka. Lavonte David has been in Tampa since I was in middle school, and he’s still awesome. Vita Vea is Mark Henry if he was in the NFL. This team is a vibe juggernaut.
Valley: We won’t talk about the Eagles game, some funky business went down there. And Mike Evans hurting his hammy again is a bummer. Otherwise, vibe juggernaut.
Vibe Summary: “I’m the juggernaut, bitch”
2. Detroit Lions
Record: 3-1
Week 1: L 27-13 @ Packers
Week 2: W 52-21 Vs. Bears
Week 3: W 38-30 @ Ravens
Week 4: W 34-10 Vs. Browns
Peak: When is it not peak when it comes to Dan Campbell? Seriously. I couldn’t care less about the Lions, but when that man speaks, I listen. I’d run through a brick wall if Dan Campbell requested it. Coordinators can be scalped, skill players can be scalped, defensive players can be scalped, it’ll never matter. Dan Campbell is 1 of 1. The ship stays afloat as long as he’s leading the charge. Apart from an ugly showing against the Packers, they’re dominating these other teams.
Valley: The defense isn’t in the top half of the league, but it doesn’t really matter when the offense is sculpted to drop 42 on a weekly basis.
Vibe Summary: “Doesn’t matter if you have one ass cheek & 3 toes, I will beat your ass.”
Guess who’s number one?
Record: 3-1
Week 1: W 34-32 @ Jets
Week 2: L 31-17 Vs. Seahawks
Week 3: W 21-14 @ Patriots
Week 4: W 24-21 Vs. Vikings
Peak: Aaron Rodgers still has some gas in the tank. It is so much damn fun to watch him be the quarterback of my favorite team & actually still be good. Jaylen Warren is criminally underrated. Ol Kenneth Gainwell came out of nowhere to be incredible in Ireland. DK Metcalf is a beast. Darnell Washington is a 6’8 270 tight end. Beast. TJ Watt is still a psychopath. Nick Herbig is complimenting him perfectly while other psychopath Alex Highsmith is injured. Gray bearded Cam Heyward is still amazing. Payton Wilson, fantastic. Jalen Ramsey, Darius Slay, Deshon Elliott, Chuck Clark, Beanie Bishop, incredible secondary. Mike Tomlin can be incredibly frustrating, but I’ve watched that guy coach my favorite team since I was a pre pubescent chump, & I truly love that guy. Steelers games do not play out like any other games you watch during the week. Win or lose, it’s different. And this season has been no different. I could go on, but I’m over 5000 words deep, and I’m tired boss. Call me biased, it’s my list numb nuts. The Steelers are the vibe lords of the league.
Valley: There’s always a valley but I love this team. Ask anyone who’s watched a Steelers game with me & I’ll acknowledge the valleys down to the last detail. Not here though.
Vibe Summary: “If we don’t get in the end zone, we’ll get three points off of Boswell’s toe.”
If you made it this far, thank you. It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Share with someone who knows ball, maybe drop a thumbs up or some words of wisdom. I don’t know how often I’ll do this, but this was enjoyable to create. Enjoy your day 🫶
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